Getting over the big D

Oh wow, get your mind out of the gutter guys, D for dumped/dumping/depression, it can mean whatever you want really – just not that.

Recently my editor told me I should write about how to get over someone after a breakup because I managed it well (his words). In all honesty, I don’t think that I did, nor would I ever suggest there is one right way to get over something like that, I think the only thing that matters is that you find a way that works for you.

But what I’m learning about myself is that I’m good at writing about me, and as a Psychology student I am painfully aware of what that says about me. But I am going to tell you about the various ways I got over the douchebag that hurt me.

Unfortunately, I am aware that I can’t really discuss this topic without discussing him at least a little, but I am going to keep it short and sweet (unlike him) because I don’t feel that he deserves the ‘air time’. He was not a good person, we were together a year and a half, the classy guy ended our time together by text whilst I was 300 miles away, at University, buried under a mountain of work.

He then proceeded to make the break up as painful as possible with an impressively callous attitude and little to no contact ever again, even after he returned my belongings from his home, because oh yeah, we lived together. Seriously, this guy was all class, I mean you want the real short and sweet of it; he had a scarily small heart and a scarily big… ego! Seriously, come on guys.

So back to getting over him, well it took longer than I initially would have liked but here are five things I learnt from my experience:

Don’t expect the pain to go away overnight, no matter how much you want it to.

I struggled with this rule. I hated loving him. I hated watching him be okay and knowing I wasn’t. I tortured myself with it, did that mean I loved him more than he loved me? Had I made what we had into something more than it was? Was I THAT girl. And my conclusion was: absolutely not, it takes strength to fall in love with someone, there is courage in giving your heart completely and it takes just as much strength to put it back together when it’s broken. Let yourself be upset, there’s no shame in feeling what you’re feeling, alternatively if it does go away quickly, amazing! And that brings me on to my second piece of advice.

Don’t compare your heartbreak to anyone, be it a friend in the same situation, or the person who broke it.

Yep, I did this too. So really, I made a whole bunch of mistakes in my break up; I think maybe my friend thinks I dealt with it well because I was very good at learning from them. Every human on this earth is different, we treat diseases holistically and yet we assume heart break will have one universal response. Sorry, doesn’t work that way. You’ll only make it harder for yourself. Chances are if someone appears to be coping better than you, they’re just hiding it better.  Do whatever you need to do for however long you need to do it, it’s your break up.

STOP LISTENING TO EVERYONE ELSE

I realise as I type that in shouty capitals that I am kind of shooting myself in the foot here… but yeah, even me. Don’t listen to me. Friends want to see you better as quickly as possible, and God love ‘em, you know they have the best of intentions, but they’re almost definitely wrong. Someone will tell you to ‘get back on the horse’, the next person will say something equally generic and un-comforting like ‘just take some time to work on yourself’. It’s really difficult to stifle the eye rolls after a while, but you have to, listen, let them say their piece, and then throw it away. Yep, just right in the bin, and then do exactly what you think will make you feel better. Because the crazy thing no one ever seems to say is, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED.

Accept that they will judge your actions no matter what, especially if you ignored their advice.

I mean this is basically just being an adult, but I am going to say it anyway because it was actually a really hard part of my break up. Why is it no one thinks you are capable of making decisions when you’re hurt? I genuinely would be rich if I had money for every time I was told, ‘you’ll regret it when you’re over him’. Umm, nah I won’t, thanks, bye. In context, these things were said to me in regard to actions like drinking, dating, sex, messaging my ex with my masterful revelations about how poorly he treated me, more sex. You get the picture.

And just a side note, over him now, NO RAGRETS. I did what I needed to do, I’m backing myself from now on, I knew exactly what I needed. I needed distractions, and men are yummy distractions. I needed casual, I was in no way ready for feelings straight away. And I needed to say things to my ex, I knew he wouldn’t respond, I knew he wouldn’t care, I knew he’d misconstrue my contact as me being hung up on him, wanting him back. But that didn’t matter because even though I was right about all of the above, it helped me, I got closure, I did it for me, I did all of this for me.

(Just shout out to my friends/fam, I know that anything you said to me came from a place of love and concern, I appreciated every eye roll worthy comment)

Please, ignore my journey, live your own journey.

Yours will potentially involve less initial self-destruct, or maybe it’ll involve more. Maybe you’ll find your perfect person two days after, let yourself! There is never a too soon, a too late, too much, too little, just fuck all the fucking rules. You know you.

Okay, rant over, I hope this can maybe help someone. Oh, and douchebag, if you ever happen upon this article, I’d just like to say to you, I’ve had some really mind-blowing sex since you. And I met a really nice guy! Yay. So, I hope you’re well. Peace out.

 

Artwork is credited to Silva Chabaneix from Pinterest. It is a beautiful piece of art.

 

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